Poland. Is. Weird.

Anyone who has known me for more than ten minutes knows that I'm Polish and, when drunk, may get hysterical about its plight.


But now that I'm here, I understand.

1. Everyone is obsessed with guns and swords.

2. The EU is a topic best broached in controlled circumstances: like a vacuum.

3. You don't refuse alcohol.

4. If you are a woman, there is no way you will be allowed to walk home on your own.

5. If you are a woman, all the men in your family will quarrel, decide upon and toast your fate.

6. If you go to a pub patroned by philosophy students talking about their theses, you will inevitably be privy to at least four punch-ons. If you start taking photos of these punch-ons, you will be threatened by shirtless men with shaved heads, until your male friends arrive to defend your honour. Maybe later, once the cops/hysterical girlfriends/sober talk of Nietzche has broken up the mood, you will all indulge in a jovial spitting match.

Gaffe No. 273

My friend Tessa reminded me of my superb gift for putting my foot in my mouth.

A party a long time ago.

Me: something something (don't remember)

My friend the lesbian: "That's because I'm a dyke."

Me: "Yeah, you are a dyke."

My friend the lesbian: 'I said, "That's because I'm in the dark."'

Smooth.

What loud, obnoxious and unattractive Americans stop you on street corners for.

I harbour a deep distrust of my memory, so I scrambled up some stairs to write this post. I now have a big bruise on my knee. Bless.


I was rushing through the labyrinth of Hell-noise that is Hanoi when this giant of a tourist, rudely and expertly, manouvered his belly into my path. He was dressed in khaki with a bum bag of matching hue, that did little to compliment his girth.


Man, in American twang: "OMG, you were sitting next to us at that cafe around the corner!!"


Me: *Dumbly trying to locate this remarkable place in recent history*


Man: "It's the one with marble tables , near the cathedral, I mean, it's like POW here *arm gestures* and the cathedral is POW here."


Me: "Ok, well yeah...I was there a few minutes ago"


Man: "Yeah, the one that's listed as an Australian hot spot in the American Lonely Planet, you know?"


Me: *Panicked and wondering how he had known I was Australian*


Man: "What are you doing here? Studying or travelling?"


Me: "Travelling."


Man: "REALLY? Wow!"


Me: *Uncomfortably* "And you?"


Man: "I'm American."


Me: "Oh"


Silence.


Man: "Have you seen the big cross in dedicated to all those fallen Australian men? You know, it was such a tragedy. POW- two-hundred men in a couple of hours. Real tragedy. I was there with them in in my 20s. Good guys, good guys. They had....


*Man pauses and reaches arm towards the sky in invocation*


....they had great morale. They liked a good drink, good laugh, no BS, you know. They were...they were real Mel Gibson types, you know..."


Me: "Oh yeah, yeah...he's a great ambassador.."


Man: "He's a great guy, Mel...


*Man stares off into the distance in contemplation of this fact*


"...You know, he got into some trouble recently. He was drunk, that's all. They say he said some anti-Jewish, anti-semitic things, but it was a stitch-up, you know? They were just angry because they made this film, Passion of the Christ. Total stitch-up.......


Me: ....uh....


Man: "But yeah, I agree, he's made some great movies"


Me: "Have a good day"


Man: "Yeah, you too, you too! God BLESS. GOD BLESS."
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War is bad, guys- it turns out people like this.